2009-07-12 - 10:16 p.m.

I had been quite moody for the past few days. Particularly because of the need to decide my major, and also she was a bit too hot-tempered which affected me quite a bit. But after just now, suddenly feel so opened up, my mind doesn't feel so cramped with thoughts anymore. Library is seriously a healing place for me most of the times. And although it is not a smooth way out, there is help available for me as long as I am in search of it. Thank you.

As I said, thinking rationally with the mind helps, but after a while if the decision isn't made, the mind gets tired and lazy of thinking, and the job falls back into the hands of the heart, and seriously things get really tiring after using the mind and the heart. Giving up is the easy way out, yet it is the stupidest way because it doesn't help at all. And by now I faithfully believe that I am a slow learner and thinker.

The past two days I did terrible stuff to Kui. I seriously think I'd be better off dying, because not only I failed to be a good sister, I failed to be a person. I feel so sorry to Kui who is just a small child, yet I pushed him with too heavy responsibilities. I get really upset, and then when I wanted to cool myself down after work in the library to decide major, I discovered a few books. This particular book, The Friendship Factor: How to get closer to the people you care for, helps alot in clearing most of my pessimistic thoughts. I went home and apologised to Kui. He answered 我沒有放在心上。 I don't know where he get this meaning from and why he knows how to use it, but I am really amazed. And yes, I forgot that Kui is actually quite a little adult at times. Sorry Kui, and thanks for your forgiveness although it doesn't seem alot to you. It means alot to me.

On a special note, I'd like to specifically mention XS and my dearest sisters. Thank you for accepting me as who I am and tolerating with all my nonsense. Not that I am going to change just in a blink, but as Alan Loy McGinnis said, because you accepted me as I am, I wanted to change.

While I was walking from my company to Tampines interchange, the thought of me not being able to be in contact with animals or plants struck me again. If I am in favour of animals or plants, maybe when I get so tired of humans, I can still refer to other living things on the Earth. But too bad, my feelings for them are neutral. I recalled my days of studying biology, photosynthesis is the only thing that amauses me. The parts of plants bring me headache. And I think, it might not help alot by thinking this way now.

I feel very thankful today. I have teared, and I have smiled. At least I don't feel so demoralised now.

和世界面對面
是愛和信念
在每一步踏得更堅決之後
就會感受到自己過得是精彩的歲月
這些是佈滿了喜悅和汗水的記憶
天和地，多麽奇妙的組合，分割於上下卻站在同一邊

和家人因爲彼此而波動情緒的感覺，有時候令我相當懊惱，卻也讓我非常珍惜。

P.S. 很掙扎，但算是決定了。就漢學吧！

past - present